Tuesday, November 27, 2007

`` better BUT weak .

i teared but i cant teared entirely .
i wanna slp but i cant get myself to .

i was feeling terrible . really terrible . im starting to feel numb . i donno what to feel and i donno how to feel myself . therefore , my mind starts to wander even more . i wanna msg to someone but i was feeling too weak to .

in the morning , i almost lost my right contact lens . i was cleaning my eyes and it dropped on the floor . i didnt realised initially . it was until one side of my vision was blur . i squat down .. using my hands to touch the ground . walking round after rounds . but still , i cld not find . i felt so annoyed with myself to the fact that i just sat on the cold floor and scream out loud . crying like nobody's business becos no one was at home . i was all alone .

i was praying hard to god to let me find . i did not give up a single bit at all becos this contact lens gives me sendimental value and i cant afford to lose it at all . it means alot to me .
Not long after , i guess god received my prayers and she found it for me !
Thank GOD so much !

unfortunately , the moment i found it , i wasnt smiling a single bit at all . i found no feelings within me . got myself prepared to sch . took a bus down . i could not even catch a wink . my eyes was wide open big even though my mind was in a sleeply mode . i just felt so emotioness .

my nek nek was so kind to make sandwich and bring vitasoy drink for me . that's for my lunch . Thank You nek nek !

the moment i reached class , was like bringing my dead body to school . everything is awake except my mind . feeling so restless . stoning away . i didnt have the mood to do anything but just stay at my seat and do nothing .

school ended at 4 plus . took train home with my sisters , nicholas and dear . mostly everyone was feeling exhausted and moody . the train was quiet . it wasnt the usual us at all . but i cld really tell that dear was trying to lighten things up . i , myself was trying my best to smile as well and i did . at least i tried my best .

dear accompanied nic to vivo to have some guys talk as he was feeling rather emo . poor thing . wanted to join them but i was feeling too weak to . so dear and nic sent me to the bus stop at vivo and i took bus home .

Bung , if u happened to read my blog , just to let you know that i'm willing to be your listening whenever u nd so as well . ((:
just one more day left and u will be able to use ur comp again ! take care !

anw , i'm feeling a little better already but still struggling . no matter what, im still hanging on strongly . nothing will put geradine down right ?
hees ~
what i really need now are just a little moral surpport from my close ones and thats all i need to keep me going .

" Remove these scars of mine .
It hurts . "

Monday, November 26, 2007

` mixxxed feelings .

just feel like blogging out of no reason . i donno why do i feel like tearing . mayb im just too tired or something that im starting to think rubbish . i'm going BERSERK (crazy) !! i'm starting to get emo .


i had no idea why this feeling is coming back again . mayb many things are on my mind ? somehow things are piling up . however , i just didnt realise it ? i didnt tell anyone because i, myself don even noe what issit . so , i just kept to myself .

* FORGIVE me for not telling my probs to my close ones . i had my reasons to . hope you understand .

i felt so crazy to the fact that i just felt like torturing myself by putting myself in the dark . switching off my room lights and just go to bed .. having nightmares and be a zombie the next day .

but don worry . this is just a crazy stupid thinking of mine . it wont happen . i wont even do such a stupid thing to torture myself . ohs ~ mayb many bad things have been happening to me and i just wan all the bad things to just come to me at one go ? so , i can just suffer and then enjoy the next ?


im just out of my mind . anw , todae was the last day of practical in kitchen . cooking starts early todae and seems like the trainer is in a good mood . i see him SMILE most of the time . hahas ! me and mich were busy throughout . we cooked chicken piccata with tomato sauce . there were additional of spaghetti , french beans and carrots too ! =) .

i bring back some home to let my mom tried becos i wont be doing any cooking in kitchen already for this term . so shall let my mom tried . hope it taste good though . hahas ! next week is gonna be exam ! rahhhhhs ~ time really flies ehhs . its the 10th week already .

you know what ? after cooking , i was wondering , why was my finger kinda black . then i realised , my fourth finger's hairs were sort of gone . haha . burnt off already . me and mich were laughing out loud ! it wasnt pain though .

lesson ended kinda early todae . took bus home and i spent the nite socialising with my family till about 9 plus . i came online after that .
my head kinda hurts now . guess like i said before , many thoughts just came to my mind . just give me some time to sort them out first .

if you guys realised somehow i wasnt myself in sch , just let me be for who im okay ? i just wanna take my mind off . thanks !

i suddenly felt that im changing . changing to a person who is not a total real me . someone else different . a stranger maybe ? i donno what have i become honestly . i just do what i have to do and not i wanna do . alrights ! i donno what the hell am i typing . don't worry i'll be fine tml . just wanna type out how am i feeling now becos inside my heart , is feeling very choked up right now . i'm afraid one day , i would just go mad . i would just explode .

will that become an end of me ?

i wanna be strong like someone else could . its just there too many setbacks day after day really gets me exhausted . ever since the start of my injury till now , there's is never one day a good day for me . i really have no idea of handling anymore .

" The strength of mine ,
Where did it disappear to ? "

Sunday, November 25, 2007


was being blur this morning when i woke up . thought my driving lesson starts at 2.50pm . however , when i went online and check , i realised it starts at 2.10pm instead . rahhhs ! blur me .. from that moment , i knew that im going to be late becos the time has already reached 12pm . if i were to take bus , its wld be confirmed that i wld be terribly late .

so in the end , i took the $2.50 vehicle ( cab ) .
LOLs .
i dun have a choice .
huhu . )):

anw , im back for driving lesson after a 1 month break . was surprised that i managed to get the same instructor back again . luckily , he still remembers me ! hees ~ both of us were happily chatting and joking away . then it was so "QIAO " that , i saw my aunt 's vehicle in front when i was driving in the circuit . hahas .

my driving was pretty bad todae especially during changing of gear . i kept on changing to the wrong one . when i was out in the road , the feeling was damn scary because you see many many cars ! my poor instructor had to keep calming me down .

OPPPS ! =X .

lesson ended at 3.45pm , chatted with my aunt for awhile and i went for ftp . wheeees ~ ! im able to take evaluation the next time . faster pass and book my test date . then im able to "SIN NANG " already .

after everything has ended , went to bt batok interchange to meet my nek nek and we went to town to meet dear and nicholas . OMG ! i saw yellow lambo gallardo right in front of me at meritus mandrin . i went high .

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awwwwwwws ~ how i wish i cld own it . mayb next time arhhs ? when i earn million bucks ! but when will that time be ?
im day dreaming .

we stayed there for about 2 to 3 hrs ? nicholas was hungry so we went to village to eat at heeren. food was pretty good though . they brought me there . as a mountain tortise , nek nek was being my tour guide again ! hees .


after eating , we walked back to meritus mandrin . unforturnately , the car was gone already . honestly speaking , i felt disappointed . i know it sounds abit ridiculous larhs . but i have been waiting so long just to hear the driver starts his engine and drive off . because i have never heard it before . and it was gone when i returned back . looks like i didnt have the fate to see or hear it . =( . so sad ehhs ? T_T .

i have never fallen so deeply for a car before and this is ONE OF A KIND ! was feeling kinda sian already . then nek nek brought me to see hello kitty again . hahas ! saw many cute christmas stuffs . it was cute ! i wanna go to the novena's hello kitty shop . i have never been there before and i heard the things there have more variety and cuter stuffs .

exited from taka after that , we went strolling along orchard road . when we were just abt to cross the road near OG building , we saw another LAMBORGHINI GALLARDO ! it was the same colour . crazy us were chasing after it . hahas ! it was my first time ever chasing after a lamborghini even though we know its impossible to follow it throughout . but it was worth it after all . ^^

then , we were back to strolling . slowly , walking back to ps there . it reached 1045pm and it was time for me to be back home . they sent me to the bus stop and TALA ! we heard the engine sound and it was ANOTHER LAMBORGHINI ! this time it was a murcielago , yellow in colour as well .

ohhhhhs ~
is todae a lamborghini day ?

however , dear dear and nic was luckier than me . while waiting for the both of us to arrive ... they saw ...

6 lamborghinis
5 ferraris
5 SLKs
3 SL 500s
1 Pagani Zonda roadster F
1 rolls royce phantom
3 aston martin DB9

nevermind . i shall be humble . seeing 2 different lamborghinis and 3 times of it , its more than enough for me .

` xDD

just to add on , in case that nek nek complain to me again . she was kind enough to send me home !
muacks !

happy after reading this ? hees .

" I want you to be mine ..
For the rest of my life . "

Wednesday, November 21, 2007

`` =( .

didnt really managed to slp well last nite . was feeling unwell again . having headache and giddy spells . freezing cold and shivers in the middle of the nite . feeling weak all over the moment i got up in the morning .

took a bus down to school .. was practically dragging myself and i almost vomitted after drinking 1 cup of milo which my mom made for me . the moment i stepped in the college , i saw dear coming out . he went home as he was feeling very weak and sick .

DEAR DEAR , please take care of yourself . Get well soon !
i love you . muacks ! ((:

went to attend PMS lesson after bidding goodbye to him . had mock test . at that moment of time , i was having stomach pains and my head hurts . all i cld do was to hang on and just controlled till the end of lesson . before lesson ends , ms lim off the lights and i was inside . i was feeling afraid but i was feeling too weak to bother about it . wasnt really much affected . didnt had lunch as i did not have appeitite to eat . i was afraid of having the feeling of vomitting again . However , thanks to jaslin for her vitasoy .

after that , we had english progress test . it was alright . then we proceed to demo kitchen . while waiting for trainer to arrived , i just kept my mind busy by copying notes to my principals of cooking manual . i didnt really have the mood to talk . i was feeling too weak to do so .

trainer showed us how to cook chicken piccata with tomato sauce . was nice though . its kinda sad as this is our last demo for this term .
my cheeky classmates still gave that sad tone to him . hahs ! due to our last demo , he was giving us a long nag after cooking till all of us were feeling sleepy .

took a bus back after lesson . felt so much like being alone for the moment . jaslin wanted to accompany me to the bus stop but i rejected her . SORRY NEK NEK !
i was actually feeling rather down . i dont wan anyone to be there beside me . when i board the bus , on my way home , i was reflecting . then i was wondering , why did everything came to me at one go ? all my sickness came back .. chestpains , phobia , headache , vomitting , stomache , coughs , exhaustion , worried . i was worried because of dear dear . he has fallen ill .

i almost cried as i started to stone but i held on and controlled. honestly speaking , i donno when will my sickness come to an end . one after another. this has been going for a month . when will i be ever healthy again ? i have been taken care of myself but i just wont get cured.


i just cant wait for this yr to end . its really torturing to go through this much for this yr .

" When will this ever come to an end ?
Could you just get away from me ? "

Sunday, November 18, 2007

`` loving sick for LAMBO .

nek nek came over to my place and delivered food to me at 1 plus . so nice of her . was NUA-ing at home till 5 plus and we took a bus down to paragon to have dinner at fish and co .

both of us had cravings for seafood platter suddenly and we MANAGED to eat it ! the feeling was so SHUANG . then we decided to went for a walk . while waiting for the traffic light to turn green , i heard this ..

Zoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooommmmm ~ .

i turned around immediately to look for it . and there i saw LAMBORGHINI ! it was grey somemore . my favourite ! i went high after that .

wanted to U-turn to look for it . however , we were in the middle of the road . so we just walked all the way to Taka . nek nek brought me to look for hello kitty .
WHeees ~
they were so adorable !

after that , my mind began to wonder of lambo again . was msging to dear hoping that he wld get excited over it . however he was driving. so the mood wasnt there . oh wells . nvm arhs . its okay . =) .

jaslin could not stand me . i was practically going crazy over it . i went too high and i told her i was floating and i was suffering from " LOVE-SICK" .
LOLs .

ohhhs ~ so what we did was .. she brought me to hotels . hoping that we wld see one . the mountain tortise me never been to any singapore hotel before . hahas ! im a singaporean, yet i visited to any hotel . i was being a tourist for tonite and nek nek was my hotel tourguide .

she brought me to hayatt , hilton and shangri-la .
i love shangri-la . its so beautiful inside . no wonder ists a 5 star hotel . hees !

unfortunately , we found no lambo from any hotels .
T_T .
oh well .. at least i went for hotel visits . it was my first time ever .

i even bowed and thank her .


both of us walked back to heeren to meet wenting and i went home after that . the the two of them went to drink in town . was hoping that i cld see my cousin as she came to over to my place. unfortunately i was late . she left when i returned home .
awwwwws ~
so sad .

my leg is feeling so suan now !
i have to admit that im old becos i cant walk too much already. or was it due to my injury ?
hmmmms ~
answers : UNKNOWN .

gonna have to attend CTIS at expo tml . meeting my sisters at 10am at redhill . gotta wake up early .

its gonna be a busy day tml as after CTIS , i had to attend my grandma's birthday in cathy building . time really flies and she is 80 yrs old . still standing strong .
i love her loads ~

NEK NEK , i hope you are feeling better after this outing . not to worry too much okay ? everything is gonna be fine . look on the bright side of life . always remember that i will always be here for you whenever you need me . 24/7 . thats definately for sure .
Love you ! Muacks !

" Without you ,
I wouldn't be here standing strong . "

Friday, November 16, 2007

`` 4th Month Anniversary . ((:

the moment i stepped into the training restaurant ..
he came to me and presented me with a mini surprise ..


i was touched when he said that . the moment i saw the gift , i melted becos it was my favourite HELLO KITTY !
xD .

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cute horrs ?
todae training restaurant was rather tiring as we had full reservation . 20 pax came . i was assigned to be in the washup area with aloy . trainer was having PMS period arhs . we had no idea whats wrong with him . one moment he was angry, shouting at us and the other moment he came disturbing us .

weird man .

debrief at 230 pm . went to subway with mich and jaslin to have lunch together . the stupid nek nek dunno how to order . hahas . till the both of us had to help her . so funny !
nek nek mountain tortise .
=P .
she's gonna kill me if she read this .

took a bus ride home after eating . got myself prepared once i got home . met dear dear at harbourfront . i was so happy becos we finally got to celebrate our anniversary on the actual day . previously , we did not really managed to celebrate it because it falls either approaching progress tests or exams coming up . so , was kinda affected arhs . but at least , todae , it wasnt . =))

both of us walked from clarke quay to esplanade . it was pretty far but i just love walking with him . especially when it comes to evening time . nice weather to walk .
wonder why my leg is feeling so sour todae . mayb its mainly becos i stood for 5 hrs during training ? hahas ! my shoe is giving my foot blisters as well .
stupid !

kinda spoilt my plan arhs . in the end we found a seat and sat down . both of our legs were tired . spent quite sometime sitting there and it was nice seeing married couples taking photos together . so sweet ! it made the both of us jealous . hahas !

was feeling thristy after that , so we decided to leave the place and bought a bottle of mineral water . dear dear was hungry . then , we decided to walk to marina to find somewhere nice to eat . you know what ? we spent quite sometime looking for place to eat as we were undecided . we walked from marina to mellenia and then to suntec . in the end , we ate NYDC instead as our legs were very tired. we were so eager to find a place to sit .

Funny us !

didnt really have the appetite to eat . i didnt finish my food and i know thats not the usual me . hahas ! honestly speaking , i had no idea why either . after dinner we walked out of suntec and enjoyed ourselves watching cars . hoping that a lambo wld just drove pass . unfortunately , there wasnt any . HU HU HU ~ but we managed to see some racing cars though. however , all looked panget and they were definately not my type .


ohhhhhs ~ i just remembered i saw 2 Mazda RX-8 . at least i saw one of my fav one . heees .
adrian if u are reading this , dont get jealous arhs ? hee .

left the place at 11pm and we took a train home . poor dear dear was dead tired and he still wants to send me to harbour front bus stop . i told him to go home as it wasnt necessary though it was a special day . so i just bid goodbye to him in the train .

dear dear , thanks for much for everything you had done todae . the mini surprise you gave me really brighten my morning . i was really happy that you spent this special day with me even though you were dead tired . though it wasnt well planned but i still enjoyed myself . In fact , i enjoyed every single moment i spent with you . they were never bored becos i treasured it .

All these became beautiful memories which had stucked in my mind . you had became part of my life . Every now and then i have been thinking of you . you poisoned my mind , you poisoned my soul . you are the guy i loved most and the guy whom i wanna spent with for the rest of my life . you are stucked with me and you will never be erase from my mind . Not even a single bit . your face , your features, you smile are deeply captured inside .

you gave me your love and i wld treasure it . you gave me your heart and i will locked it in together with mine . i love you from the bottom of my heart and you know that is true . may our love be a never ending one . it will be forever till the end of time .

i love you so much dear .
HAPPY 4th Month ANNIversary !

" I wanna be yours forever..
Don't ever let me go . "

Tuesday, November 13, 2007

`` Solved ..

she came back .
we HUGGED ..
we CRIED ..

things between me and her have been settled . i hope this wld be the first and last time that is gonna happened because i really treasured her and this friendship as well .
i still LOVE my nek nek deeply as ever !
muacks !

had bar showmanship progress test todae . was memorising the 25 cocktails last nite . i was basially damn nervous larhs . asking nek nek , jaslin and aikho to keep on testing me .
kia su right ?
typical Singaporean .
hees !

we drew lots and i was choosen to do AMERICANO .
30 ml Campari
30 ml Sweet Vermouth
* Top little soda water .
Glass : Rock
Method : Build
Garnish : Twist of lemon in the drink

when it was my turn , i overspilled the sweet vermouth . my reaction was " OH SHIT ! " . hees ! i said that in my heart . then i keep myself calm and continued .
Luckily , he did not deduct my marks for bring nervous . so nice of him . =)

lessons were pretty alright arhs . wasnt really feeling well as my cough was sort of killing me . was feeling pretty restless and my head hurts ! went home with dear dear .

gonna have FSM progress test on thurs .
thought i cld rest todae . looks like i cant already . all of us were not prepared at all becos he reminded us so last min !!
rahhhhhhhhhhs !

awwwwwwwwwws ..

" Gimme sometime ..
To re-adapt the life i used to live . "

Monday, November 12, 2007

`` Im at lost .

Right now , i really need sometime alone . i donno if i should forgive myself or not . i have hurt someone . one of my fren whom i truely treasure.
just what have i done ?

she came over said she wanted to pass me things and off she went . i was emotionally unstable at first so i asked her to leave it there . when i went out , i was hoping that i cld see her but never did i expect she went off . so , i opened the gate . took the stuffs and went back to my room . what she gave me was a thank you card and mushroom soup from soupspoon .

the moment i read , tears began to flow . i questioned myself what have i done wrong ? why ? why have i hurt someone whom i truely treasure ? why did i FCUKING wrote that FCUKING entry which basically hurt her so much ? i do admit i was really exhausted last nite . when i explode i really do explode but i didnt mean to .

oh well , it happened . we cant change the fact . i just wanna say i really do treasure her and i hope things will be same as before . i dun wanna lose her .

" do you know .. the more you said you were afraid to face me the more my heart breaks ? it really breaks . my heart has just been torn into broken pieces . "

wanted to find her after reading however i was feeling too weak to do so . im really feeling very numb , clueless . no i donno what am i thinking abt anymore . worse still, i affected my dear as well . he is being the middle man and he doesnt feel good as well . 3 of us were all tired . mayb we shld just have a break on our own to cool down ?

i never had such a heartbreaking feeling before . this time it really hurts . i dunno how to feel myself anymore . i will let god decides .
todae, my cough is getting from bad to worse . i have lost my voice already . feeling so sick . one problem after another . why not you tell me how to face it ?


i really treasured you .
i really do hope things would be back to the same as before .
i really do .
please forgive all my mistakes.
in fact, i have never blamed you at all .
i just wan you to be fine becos i care for you .
will you forgive me and let things be back to normal ?
i dont wanna lose you .
i love you nek nek ! you will always be my nek nek now and forever .
no matter what happens , i will always be there for you .
muacks !
Take care and be strong .
" Things will be fine soon ,
Wont they ? "

Sunday, November 11, 2007

`` Pointless ?

im starting to feel clueless . im seriously on the verge to breaking down . questioning myself if im doing too much or not ? am i doing the right thing or the wrong thing eventually ? why am i feeling this way ? question marks popping out above my head . there were no answers given to me.

i do admit that my limits had reached to the top . honestly speaking , im feeling rather stressed up . stress up to the fact that i dun even know what am i doing . i wanna help my frens to those who are in need . however , if they kept giving me those attitudes and not improving then whats the point of me helping ? i guess .. mayb i dun even have to bother so much anymore .

worse still , they pushed me aside . so, since they do not even need my help and wants to be alone then so be it . im sorry to those ppl if i said this which may hurt you because if u do not help yourself then i wont even noe how to help you either . instead , you wld make me feeling even worse .

of cos ! if there's one day u ever need my help , i will still be available . however , i wont initiate anymore because i felt myself being a busybody . being overly concerned and ended up hurting myself even more .

you may say that im selfish . thinking abt my feelings more but you do not know how much am i worrying for you guys .

i know you people are having a tough time worrying abt the problems you had . but do you even realise the people around you ? you are actually affecting them as well . u are tired and so are THEY ! put urself in my shoes and i will put myself in yours as well . think of this . if im the one who is having problems . giving you all sorts of attitude while you are trying to help me . how would you feel as well ?

honestly speaking , i myself do have problems of my own also . but im willing to put aside and be strong to be there for you guys . however, instead , i dont feel the need of help anymore. i'm sorry . i guess i really need sometime for myself as well . things are rising up .. piling here and there and here, im trying my best to be strong . i seriously dunno what am i typing for now . i just wanna type out whats going through my mind .

one word ,
im tired and i really am .

i would like to apologise if i really were to hurt you guys . but just bare that in mind that , if there's ever one day u need me again, my doors will always be widely open for you .


" If helping too much hurts ,
Then , I would rather leave it aside than touching it . "

Saturday, November 10, 2007

`` flashing back ..

these were the pictures we did in sentosa yesterday . all of us were trying to kill time till nite as we had nth better to do .

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Wenting sis , are u jealous ? we hug your COCONUT tree ! hahas . =P
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Sheet ! i didnt get to drink at cafe del mel becos i was sick . i drank tea instead . how weird can it be ?

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left at 9 plus becos i was feeling damn weak at that time already . my flu and cough were getting bad . i was shagged out after trying to cheer jaslin and perk the entire outing up . i understand that you guys have been going through alot and i hope i really did cheer u guys up in the end. mayb not entirely but at least just abit ?

as for todae , my cough went really bad and i totally had no voice in the morning . i was wondering how am i going to go for vocal class ? so i just kept on clearing my throat and i managed to catch some voice back . hahs ! my MCs are over , so its time to return back for vocal class !

i had nitemare in the morning . it was pretty scary and i was kind of affected by it . what scares me most was that , my frens were in the scene as well . nic , dear , jaslin and me . what i remembered was , we were in some kind of house . nic and jas suddenly talk abt christianity and they pulled me along in going church . saying abt jesus christ stuff which im not into it . its pretty scary becos they were not the ones i used to see but the opposite side of them . then dear started pulling me along as well . i was wondering , doesnt dear kind of anti-christianity ? isnt he the same as me ? then why is he pulling me ? i didnt wan to go . i was struggling like hell . in the end , they put me in the dark . that was really torturing . flashbacks flashbacks . many many came back . i woke up in the end . feeling weak . my heartbeat was beating very fast .

when i msged dear , came to realise that , dear had nitemare as well . he had his phobia and i had mine . anyway , i hope this dream of mine will never be true . please do not do this to torture me . i might as well be dead if u guys were to really do that .

alright , whatever it is , im not gonna think abt it anymore . its nice seeing all my vocal classmates in class again . of cos not to forget my teacher as well . the feeling was kinda of weird becos , it has been quite sometime i last went . lesson wasnt bad as we got to learn positive and negative colours. u just got to put in your emotions to sing the tune .

unfortunately , i kind of lost my emotions somehow . cant really express my happy self while others cld do . hahas ! lesson ended at around 145 pm . the rest of my classmates went to ktv . i didnt join them because of my voice . well , there's always next time . =) .

i went off first , was surprised to see dear waiting for me outside . u know what ? both of us cld not believe ourselves that we actually walk from tajong pagar to vivo city . can u imagine how far was it ? it was basically our first time doing this . felt kinda stupid isnt it ? but i pretty enjoy it though . at least it kept my mind off for quite sometime . i felt more refreshing .

however , when i reached vivo .. both of us had flashbacks . we were sitting down . facing the sea . though i was feeling kind of afraid but i told myself to be strong and tried to cheer dear dear up . im glad that i did it !
was pretty proud of myself though ...

no matter what it is , i just gonna tell myself to be strong . obstacles will be coming one by one and im gonna hang on .. battling all the way no matter how hard it is gonna take .

people out there who are facing problems and u are reading this entry of mine . here is a short msg for you ..
tell yourself this like what i have always been telling myself as well .

" be strong ! dun let your negative thoughts pull you down . hang on and battle on with it . life is like a cycle . problems come and go . if u dun overcome it , u will never be a strong person in life . think abt this . in a few yrs time , your life ahead .. imagine once u overcome it , look ! how's beautiful your life is gonna be ? think .. how are u gonna overcome it . you suffer first and then u enjoy . thats how you will be successful in life . "

so JIA YOU ppl .
i know you guys can do it . i hope this short msg of mine does help a little .
Take care !

did this just now to take my mind off for quite sometime. while doing it, i also came to a term that , life is filled with colours as well . u see beautiful colours that attracts you and u see the negative colours which really loathes you . so , why not u mix them together instead ? u get a neutral one and who knows ? u get a beautiful colour out in the end ?

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Now , u get wat i meant once i mixed them together ?

" Battle it on ..
and never let it pull you down . "

Wednesday, November 07, 2007

`` Clueless .

initially, i thought things were back to normal never did i thought , it came back to a cycle once again . you know , its really had for me to bring back my smile . however , once i got it , it came back to me over and over again .

WHY ?! why cant i just smile normally ? why cant i be back to myself ? why do i have to false myself to smile which i dont want to ? i felt so weak and numb suddenly ....

all these , happened to me during eng lesson todae . kelvin had grp presentation . he slipped his mind and switch off the lights . i thought i was ok at first because the projector lights were on but never did i thought , i started to shiver and i felt uneasy again . flashback came .. slowly , i calmed myself down ..

during kitchen demo , people may think i mayb back to myself again . however, i wasnt . i just kept my mind busy and tried to stop thinking abt it . i was feeling really really weak . so , i was being nice by copying notes for jaslin and drew many tortises on her foolscape to keep my mind off from all these tortourous things .

after demo , the sisters wanted to come to my hse to have dinner at first but then , wenting ask them to go to their hse instead as they were playing mj . i didnt joined them in the end as i wasnt feeling rather well . hahas ! my boonting so cute . thought i was angry with her . she came towards me and spoke to me privately .

to wenting :
hey sis ! i wasnt angry at all arhhs ! i got so small gas mehs ? dont worry abt it okay ? sorry that i didnt join you girls as i wasnt feeling well . next time okay ? then i come .. hope you have fun with the rest !

took a train home with kelvin , nic , dear and jaslin . kelvin and nic took the ne line while the 3 of us went to sgh together cos my dear dear dunno how to go to sgh . he needs to pay a visit to his grandma . in the end , the both of us brought him there . hees ! we were his tour guide .

after that, jaslin and i left and we took a bus down to bukit merah to take away Pizza hut. my god ! i have been craving that for a long time and finally i got to eat them .
the funny thing was , when we were waiting for the food to be ready , the both of us found a seat to settle down . she started mentioning to me abt financial stuffs . then it occured to me that , im surpposed to control her finance . so whta i did was , i took her cards and kept it with me .

so from now onwards , i OFFICALLY PRONOUNCED that im FHENG NEK NEK's FINANCIAL CONTROLLER ! she is not allowed to spend anyhow unless she seeks my permission . otherwise she is gonna spend like nobody business .

thus, she regretted reminding me .
hees !

anw , we went back home and had dinner together . then we started watching tv and had some fun . she went home at 11 plus .

Thanks nek nek for keeping my mind off .

whatever it is , im not thinking abt it anymore larhs . life still goes on for me . im just gonna be strong no matter how exhausted im . the most i just brag and cry over it . then after that , i will be fine .


sounds so crazy but thats just me . i cant possibly just stay in this little tiny hole all these while . it wld just made me go mad and soon , i guess , u will find me in mental hosp already . but of cos , i mean touch wood larhs . hahs !

from todae till mon , im gonna have a good rest for myself as there wont be anysch for me till tues . there's only 1 1/2 hrs of lesson on fri and thats it !
yeps !
so lets just take a good break . have a good rest and things are gonna be fine as before . im gonna be the girl you used to see . however , it may not be the old one but the geradine who is changing herself to be a better , a stronger girl you see in life .

so ,


" Grant me in becoming a strong girl ,
So that I'm able to fight this through . "

Monday, November 05, 2007

` Numb .

i donno what to feel right now and i dunno what my feelings are . the scene just came back over and over again .

why why why ??!!
why cant u just get off me ?
why do you have to torture me over and over again ?

i really wish i cld overcome it but i cant . last nite , i went to have dinner with my family and relatives . we gave them a farewell dinner as my relatives from vancouver and cousins from san fransico are leaving todae and tml . all of them returned from msia in the afternoon .

we went to have dinner at sembawang bottle tree village . i wasnt prepared . i didnt know the place was so pitch dark . at that point of time , i felt so lost , i felt so numb . my heart was beating fast and i was shivering all over again . throughout the dinner , i wasnt myself . sitting on my seat and just kept quiet . i felt so uncomfortable .

the only time i felt better was when my cousins were telling us jokes . that was the only time i cld really laugh . but as we were on our way back . things went worse . i felt that it was even darker than before . scenes after scenes came to me . the fear is back .

i cant slp for the whole nite . i wasnt okay . even now , im still unable to close my eyes . i got off my bed at 9am . bid farewell to my cousins .

Bye Bye tracey and David !
i will definately miss you guys . Take care !
Have a safe trip back .
=) .

my head hurts . it really hurts . after bidding goodbye, i went to rest in my room . i was feeling scared once more .


im really speechless now and i dunno what am i typing . sounds horrible ehhs ? lessons have be swopped with group 2 and now , our principals of cooking is in the afternoon which i dun like . im not used to it . i prefer my morning lessons so that i wont have to think of it so much and just kept myself busy with my frens . i guess i wld felt much better after that .

gonna finish the cooking at nite . i m starting to get worried again because the route to the bus stop home , its gonna be dark again .


why not you just inject me with numbness ?
so that i dun have to be scared . so that i dun have to feel so torturing . so terrible ?!!!


I have been suffering from this ever since wed and it never stops .
so, when will this end ?

" Tell me..
What should I do to handle this ? "

Friday, November 02, 2007

` SIGH ...

been really exhausted these few days as there are simply loads of things to do . i didnt even have time to have a good rest . relatives from canada have came over to singapore and they stayed over at my place . so , my family have been touring them around .

i know its really tiring . they were so shagged out . they left to malaysia in the afternoon . my parents will be joining them on sat to attend my relative's wedding except me and my bro as we had work to catch up . all of them will be back on sunday afternoon and will give them a farewell dinner before they catch their flight on mon .

I will definately miss them !

had f and b operations during ytd and todae . it was pretty fun yet tiring . though was kind of pissed off with some people but i controlled my temper especially todae .
grrrs !

as for ytd , me , aikho , aloy and jaslin were in the kitchen doing pantry and wash up . hees hees ! managed to cope food here and there . we were having mock service . the people outside had to be serious , while the people inside can slack a little .
hahas ! took pictures ! but when it comes to work, we get serious with it . there's one thing i cld tell is that , our legs were damn TIRED ! imagine standing 5 hours walking here and there with our black shoes ?

T_T .

I arranged it ! wahahhas ! :
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marina doing vacumming :
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it's washing time ( i had some fun doing it though becos its my first time using this tap ! hahs ) :
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LALAs ~ :
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nek nek took over :
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copy cat me ! :
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They are all POLISHED CLEAN :
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getting rdy to serve dinner .. the food made us all HUNGRY ! :
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our tired feets :
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sisterly :
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the BLACKS :
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the food are TEMPTING US :
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the WHITES :
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aikho and me :
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i LOVE them :
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all can't remove the burnt stains BUT I CAN ! hohohos ~ it is CLEAN ! claps claps ! :
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drying up :
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alright come to the real part of it . something terrible did occured to me since wed . right now , i have been trying to shake it off but the scene just came on and off . honestly speaking , those laughters that i am showing to my frens , my family .. were all FAKE . there isnt a real side of me at all . reason being , my phobia had came back when i was in the bus on my way home .

it was crowded in the bus . i was afraid of the dark becos i had bad experience in the past . so , the bus was dark . the lights in front was switched off . mayb becos there was some prob with the light bulb . i tried to calm myself down . however , somehow , it didnt not help . in fact i started shivering as i moved up becos what i see were dark faces and that got me afraid more .

i broke down while i was bathing when i reached home . i totally cld not take it . the scene came back to me over and over again .. for the whole nite i cld not slp . i broke down . on thurs , i was only better during in the afternoon . in the evening while we were in the kitchen , aloy accidentally off the lights . it was pitch dark once more . i tried to calm myself . luckily jaslin , aikho .. in fact many lovely classmates were with me . and i dun blame aloy becos he didnt mean it . in fact , he kept apologising to me . so i said it was ok .

i started shivering again .. jaslin cld tell how badly my hand was shaking . she saw . as i went back , i was quiet throughout . feeling so afraid ... feeling so lonely ..

and todae , lights were off becos they changed the lightings as there were guests from outside . i was feeling really distracted . so i just kept myself busy by seeing empty plates and i just clear even though im not surpposed to do it . becos i just dun wanna think abt it anymore . i may just go crazy .

Now , as i opened my book to study , the scene flash back to me again !

just as i was abt to get over it , you came back to me ..
do you know how tiring i am ?
do you know how much i wanna forget abt this ?
but i cant ..
its too scary !!
how long are u gonna torture me further ?
im feeling so numb ..
i seriously dunno how to feel myself anymore ..
and i dunno what am i doing either ..
im so distracted ..


im having test tml . i dun wanna get distracted too much . im just gonna keep myself busy and keep my mind off for the time being .
im tired.
im seriously exhausted .

my head hurts everytime it came back ......
i dunno how long can i hold this ..
please keep me strong ..

" I'm afraid ...
When will this ever end ? "