Thursday, January 31, 2008

`` Hard to get on .

Nightmares have been constantly occuring to me everynite .
Till the fact that I'm too afraid to shut my eyes tight to sleep .
Its torturing , It's scary , It's hurting , It's painful .
And it goes on and on ..

I'm totally exhausted to fight it through .
The feeling was as though that I'm tearing apart .
Everynight , I had to go through all these .
Just how long do I have to fight till ?
Just how long more do you want to torture me further ?
This situation is gonna drive me nuts soon .

It's 1.29am now and I still have not fallen aslp .
School starts early tomorrow .
But I didn't care .
For the past nites ,
I have been keeping my mind busy to refrain myself from thinking .
Because , that's the only way to make me feel better .
I'm sleepy , I'm tired .
However , I'm just afraid to face those nightmares anymore .
It's too scary to go on .
May you stay healthy always . (:

Monday, January 28, 2008

`` Break-down point .

for 4 days & 4 nights . i having been occuring nightmares . one after another . crying everyday and night . feeling the pain deep within me . i was really tired . extremely exhausted . i prayed to god . i told her this ....

" Please stop torturing me anymore . Please stop giving me one after another . I'm at the midst of dying . Stop giving me all these pain to murder me . If you were to give me just give me everything at one shot and not one day after another . It kills me . It really does . "

I'm so exhausted to the fact that I'm falling ill soon . Saturday was actually the worse day of all . Slept at 6am because my family were at my aunty's hse playing MJ . The moment I got home , I was too sleepy to be bothered by anything . I knew my mom dimmed the lights as she felt that the white lights were too hot . And I thought I could take it . It's one step up to overcoming my phobia .

Unfortunately , pain suddenly came back to me . Everything came back . I was feeling so terrible . So afraid . There's nothing I could do but just stayed still . Headache started occuring . Then , it came to my thinking ..

Do i really have to carry on this phobia of mine for long ?
But Why ?
Why does it come when I was just about to overcome it ?
Can't I just climb one step up ahead to make myself feel better ?
Do you know it made me felt to the extent that I do not even dare to close my eyes to slp anymore ?

rahhhhs ! it really kills the hell out of me !

If you rarely see me smile or rather me looking dead , please forgive me . I'm really trying my very best to smile . It's just that I'm been feeling too tired and weak because this is the first time I have been occuring so many nightmares at one go . Please give me sometime to recover . I promise I will be fine . (:

Anw , talking about today . It was really a bad morning because firstly , i had nitemare . Secondly , I lost my school scraf . Thirdly , my mom sort of threw temper at me and lastly , my phobia occured because one of the training room path was dark . Practical training was quite interesting at hyatt today . We played some games and it was funny .

Everything ended at 12 plus . Then some of us went to Ramen Ten to have lunch . Doris and Chris A were such a joker larhs . Its entertaining to watch them argue sometimes . Nic & Dear also . It has somehow took my mind off . After which , all of us went seperate ways . Left me and Dear . Walked around Town to view some cars . Didn't manage to catch Lamborghini but we caught 5 Ferraries instead . =( . hahs ! Dear kept on msging Nic to report to him ..


anw , both of us took our mind off and we have somehow felt so much lot better . (:
good sign isn't it ?
Hopefully , both of us are able to recover from our phobia soon .

Dear Dear , I hope that after today , we are gonna recover soon . Thanks for cheering me up and remain strong . Likewise to you too okay ? It worries the hell load of me last night when you had your phobia attack . I'm not afraid when it occures but I was more on being worried than being afraid because seeing you like this really aches me alot . And I have also realised the moment when both of us are having our phobias occuring at the same time , we tend to hurt each other even further . Let's just stop this okay ? I really don't want it to happen anymore .

Please continue to remain strong. I do know that at times , somethings will stress and tire us out . But no matter what happens , we'll always have each other to pick each other up yeah ? And dear , never give up in whatever you do okay okay ? I'll always be surpporting you all the way ! (:

I hope to see the cheerful side of you soon . Not the fake one but the real side of you because seeing you smile really brightens up my day . You are my EVERYTHING dear !

mwahhhhs - !

Friday, January 25, 2008

`` Too weak to carry on .

Headaches and giddy spells just won't go off . I felt so terrible to the fact that I was unable to attend school . I had to rest at home instead .

2 Nightmares came to me at one go . It is killing me .
The pain ,
The hurt .
Everything seems to be coming back to me . Including my phobia as well .

In my dream ,
I almost got possessed .
I almost got killed .
I saw things which I should not have seen .

Right now , I'm struggling . I'm still struggling to pull through . I just felt as though something has just stabbed through my heart . Though i know these nitemares may never be true . But its the pain which is hurting me so badly . Especially my phobia . Flash , Flash & just FLASH !

Moreover , I'm all alone at home .
So , no one knows .
my head hurts terribly .
tears just kept flowing .
Feeling so hurt so hurt .
it kills me .

" Eveytime i close my eyes ,
I see those painful scenes appearing to me once again . "

Thursday, January 24, 2008

`` fallen ill . ):

was feeling weak the whole day in school . felt so feverish , cold , headache and giddy spells . have i really fallen ill ? awws ~ friends asked me to go home but i was too stubborn to . hees . thats becos i dun wanna miss lessons . i did pay attention ! though i didnt talk much but i did take down notes . (:
sorry dear ,
i have worried you .
but i promise you, i'll take good care of myself .

lesson ended at 5 plus . took train back with dear and the entertainment grp as they needed to go bugis to buy the props for theme party . dropped off at outrum with kim yuan and took ne line to harbour front . then i took bus home .
Nothing much happen actually . recently been overcoming loads of obstacles but not to worry im still hanging strong . fighting through all my challenges .

!! xDD .

looking on the positive side . walking through her bright side of life .
no longer the same as before who always think on the negative side anymore .
she has became a grown - up girl .

im have also decided not to let others affect me anymore as well . its time to think of myself more as i dun wanna have any hurt in myself nor bring any hurt to anyone or anywhere .
it's enough !(:

we have learnt our lessons and its time to change .
a better person .
a better improvement .

'O' levels results are out todae . Some are happy while some are disappointed . Just some encouragment words .

" You have did your best !
It's not the end . There are always opportunity routes ahead . GOODLUCK ! (: "

Sunday, January 20, 2008

`` Car Day

been really busy this week . mayb its because its the first week of school .
hahas !

anw, im back for my vocal lesson after missing for two weeks because of my work .

its quite fun ytd during class . did something different and played some games . laughters were brought to us . xD . for now , we are preparing ourselves for the upcoming audition where all of us are gonna take part . and this is the time where its one step up to realise my dream of performing on stage . i just hope its gonna be a wish come true . just cant wait for that day to come . =) . there mayb stress but im not gonna give up ! definately not .

took a train down to orchard . dear came to find me as he doesnt wan to leave me alone while waiting for that nek nek to come . she's LATE ! so , while waiting ..................... we were walking near meritus mandarin and guess what we saw ?


we found a seat and sat down immediately .. watching the car . just in time , the driver came . this was actually the first time i saw the driver and..
this was actually the first time , i heard the start of the engine .
im in HEAVEN !

the car ,
the door ,
the ENGINE !

awwwwws ~

then jaslin came not long after and dear left to chris a house for committee meeting . so the both of us went to taka to had lunch and off to far east to get my organiser . at the same time , shopping for new yr clothes too . while walking to far east , we saw another lamborghini ! this time is an orange gallardo ! we saw driver too .

the first photo in my new phone . (:

Butt of Lamborghini :

the stupid nek nek went so high over it . didnt expect her reaction to be worse than me . LOLs . but luckily i managed to control my emotions . after that , we went in for shopping . however , we didnt get anything except my organiser . didnt find anything that caught my eye . so , we went out and waited for the driver to come out because the nek nek wants to hear the start of the engine .

while waiting for driver and mich to arrive , we saw many many many nice cars .
ok here it goes . my list of cars we saw ...

7 Lamborghinis
6 Ferraris
4 Rx-8
1 Aston Martins
3 Audi

its the first time i viewed so many cars on my own .

mich arrived at around 7 plus . we left at 8 plus because mich wants to get something from mango shop . didnt managed to hear the start of the engine because the driver is still in Hyatt hotel .

went home at 11 plus . relatives came over and i was told to socialise with them . in the end , i learnt and i played MAHJONG ! interesting game . now i finally realise why is MJ so addictive to them . hahas . oh well , im stil on the learning process . mom said i learnt quite fast though . (:
only managed to slp at 430am .

Just wanna type some encouraging words for my dear because these few days it has been rather hard on him and i know stress has been added to him not only because of me but because of school stuffs . however , no matter what , you'll always have me okay ? i'll always be there to guide and surpport you all the way .

Dear Dear , firstly , i wanna apologise for adding an extra stress to you . i didnt know it created such an impact on you due to my phobia . thank you for sharing this with me and now i know . i just wan to say that , i will be trying my best to overcome it by this year . it may be hard . it may cause me lots of pain and hurt . but no matter what , im not gonna give up and persist this all the way . im going to hang on . the dear dear you see now , is gonna be stronger than before . (:

I dont nd you to prepare anything . I just need you to stay by my side to keep me strong and that's all i need especially during the theme party preparation . Just give me some time and have faith in me okay ?

its been hard for you these few days . on the first day u became the class rep , i know burden of schwork will be additional more . But please remain okay ? I know you can . and dear, don't ever forget that i'm always here for you whenever you need me . I can never bear myself to leave you alone . It's because , i love you deeply .

I am here to take away your pain .
To give you the comfort and guidiance that you need .
I will pick you up when you are down .
To ensure you that you will never fall .
And as we walk , I held your hands together with mine .
Is to let you know that I'm always here .
You'll never be alone .

Monday, January 14, 2008


had dinner at Jumbo seafood restaurant with my family and relatives last nite . before that , my parents and i went to singtel building at town to get a new phone ! had some arguments here and there but luckily , everything was finalised in the end . (:

Sa kor , Weilin , Kailin , De tiu , Vanessa and Justin came over to my place after dinner to cut cake .

My Birthday Cake [ felt so weird choosing my own bday cake for the first time . =S ] :



Singing Of Birthday Song :



My Little Cousin :


Photos-taking Session :







Make a Wish :






My Birthday Presents From My Families ( + NIKE BAG ) :


Yeahs ! i got their albums . All thanks to Vanessa :


Relatives left at around 12am to 1am plus . (:
then , BYE BYE !

still , i want to specially thanks to them for getting what i wan and celebrating my birthday . Lastly, to my parents for doting me so much and my beloved brother too ! =) . I'll do my outmost best to be a fillial and good daughter .

I LOVE YOU ALL ! - muacks .

as for today ......

oh gosh i'm offically 19 . 1 more yr and i hit 2 ! rahhhs ~ dun make me feel so old can ? hahas . how i wish i could forever remain 18 yrs . thats the best of AGE ! LOL .

woke up at 10 plus . its the start of the new school term . pretty excited about it though because i kinda miss school . hahs ! while preparing , i was in the washroom . once i got out , i saw dear , jaslin and michelle holding the birthday cake . Singing birthday song to me . awwws ~ i was so surprised by it . and they were laughin at my reaction . LOL !


woke up so early and came all the way down just to surprise me .
plus , so sweet of nek nek to have bake cheese cake for me by herself .



Presents From Them :


Hello Kitty Collection Birthday Gifts From Them :





Dad fetched us to school . xD .

first lesson was MIS ( IT ) . went to the comp lab . many classmates wishes me and i received a gift from my sisters ; aikho , evi and wenting .

Another Hellokitty again . ((:




after that it was F&B operations . congrats to Mr Baljit that he has been promoted to become a director . Therefore , he will no longer be teaching anymore . So , Mr Albert took over instead . Another entertainer . LOLs .

had a discussion on the theme party . wasn't really satisfied on the overall . But oh well , its class anyway . (:
lesson ended off at around 6 plus and went for dinner at westmall foodcourt with isa , aloy , nic , dear , mich and jaslin . then all of us went seperate ways . me and dear went to vivo to spend sometime together before going home .

had mee sua when i got home . mom cooked specially for me . xD .
overall of my birthday celebrations todae ?
there were good and bad side of it .
It's a Neutral feeling that I'm feeling now . Neither good nor bad .

Anw , specially thanks to those who wished me .
My family & Relatives . Dear . Darling . Doreen . Shixiong . Jeffrey . Adrian . Jessica . Sandy . Jaslin . Eugene . Evi . JJ . Aikho . Cailing . Blue . Doris . Colin . Wenting . Junping . Michelle . Winnie Jie . Michelle . Oliver . Johnathon . Eva . Linda . Caiyun . Christopher C . Christopher A . Isa . Chien Ru . Kenneth . Genevieve . Misa . Nicholas . Minnie . Shi Hui . Min Min . Darren . Mary . Kim Yuan . Liping .
many more ..

deeply appreciated . - mwahhhs .

If only we were as close as before ,
Then this birthday would be a perfect one .
However I know , i'm from a different world .
Some of the things would not just click .
No Matter what , i'm always here for you girls .
loving you all and treasuring this friendship of ours .
Take care girls .

Saturday, January 12, 2008

`` Sweetest Birthday Celebration EVER !

had nitemare in the morning . was feeling really terrible and afraid .
i was trembling like hell . immediately , i sms-ed to dear . luckily he was there to accompany me . otherwise i would not know what to do because my phobia arises .

went to his place to finish up our hmwork . did till 7pm and watched the channel 8 show for awhile . then i headed to the washroom before leaving the hse to vivo for dinner . this was when the PERFECT moment begins .

when i came out from the washroom , i receive a msg from dear outside .
it states " Dear , Please come up to my room . "
so i went up . then i saw this .....
he created a video for me .

awws ~ how sweet of him . after watching . tears just roll down . i was deeply touched . I hugged him immediately and he gave me a gift . it was a necklace . however , the surprise had yet to be over . he held my hand and brought me to the rooftop . during that time , i was wondering , what was he up to ? once i had reached , i saw balloons then i saw darling and JJ . my first reaction was .. " ahhhs ! OMG ! " . hahs ! darling came over and hugged me . this was when , i teared even more !

i had never cried so much before in my life during my birthday celebration and this was the first time ever ! all their fault !! it was tears of JOY anyway . hahas ! awwwwws. I LOVE THEM SO MUCH ! i went speechless . their efforts were deeply appreciated . i now pronounced that their surprise was a great SUCCESS !

had bbq food for dinner . dear's mom came up to give me present and wished me too . awws . it was really sweet of them . i really didnt expect them to do all these for me . they treated me so well . (:

after dinner , one said he went to wash hands . the other said they nd to be down to the washroom . hahs . silly me still trusted them . they brought up birthday cake and sung birthday song . ate our food together and chatted forawhile . cleared the place abit here and there .. down we go to the basement to watch vcd . about 12am , dear fetched me home . (:

these are some pictures we took to share .

preparation to surprise me :




Bbq time :








My Birthday Cake :


My Birthday Gifts :

Paris Bijoux Necklace From Dear :

A watch From Darling :

Limited Edition Heart From Dear's Mom :

Before i end this entry .

i wanna THANK Dear Dear and Family ,
Darling and JJ .....
for creating such a memorable birthday celebration for me .
It must have created alot of effort and stress on you guys .


From this , I have finally realised how much i was meant to him .
and I have also finally realise this is the guy that I'm gonna treasure since 1607 till the rest of our lives .
he is definately the one for me .
who understands me well from top to toe .
who knows my wants and don'ts .
Thank you hubby .

Dear dear , your video which you have made for me has touches my heart deeply . Honestly speaking , no one has ever done that for me and you are the first . I can feel that you have put in alot of effort in making this video . Sleeping late to finish it somemore . Waking up early to buy all the bbq ingredients and the stingray specially for me . The necklace you bought for me will forever be wearing it on my neck . I promise you , I'll treasure it well . The surprises you planned with darling must have you guys created alot of stress . But now its over , you can relax already . hees ! Thank you so much dear . Thank you for doing so much for me . I was really touched and i will never forget this day .

It was ..
The first time , you made a video for me .
The first time , you celebrated my birthday .
The first time , you bought me a necklace .
and You're the FIRST one who wishes me HAPPY BIRTHDAY !

i can really felt your love to me dear . you meant so much .
mwahhhhs !!!!

Darling , thanks for coming down specially just to spring me this surprise . it must have given u lots of headache hors ? hees . somemore blow so many balloons . your gas gonna go empty already . awwws ~ i really wanna thank you so much arhs . you did so much for me . wahahs ! that's what darlings are for right ? anw , it was really a wonderful night . thank you for your gift and thanks for your cake . the things that you guys done to me really made me went speechless . but deep in my heart im really grateful to you guys . deeply truely appreciated .

regarding your probs . darling , thanks for being truthful to me . i was feeling kinda bad that i didnt realise on that day and u must have felt really terrible deep inside your heart . but no matter what your choice is gonna be , i really wan you to think hard and make sure u have made the right choice in the end okay ? for right now , just let you and him be alone . when things have cooled down then the both of you decides again okay ?

always remember , whenever you nd me , im just a phonecall away . 24/7 for you . to be there for you and give you advices . being your listening ear whenever you are in need . (:

LOVE YOU darling .
i know you are strong and you will be .

- im always here .
Muacks !

It's a New Year ,
It's a New chapter for me .
Whatever hatred I had in you in the past ,
I have decided to let go and be friends with you once again .
Take care friend , i wish you all the best in your career .

May you do well .