` It came back ..

2 days ago .
my phobia came back .
at nite ,
it was 9pm plus ..
i was studying halfway ,
it blacked out ..

i see nothing but total darkness .
the scene appeared to me again .
i was scared ..
i was afraid ..
i was traumatised ..

i told myself ..
its okay .
its only for awhile .

at that moment of time ,
i have nothing with me .
immediately , i ran to the balcony to have some light .

i was shivering very badly .
seeing the lights infront of me .
crouching myself up tightly .
i was alone .
then my mom gave me a torchlight to make me feel better .
she thought i was shocked by the sudden black out .
but the actual fact ..
it wasnt .

i felt terrible ..
thinking back the scene ...
it really made me crazy ?
laughing and crying at the same time to myself ?

telling myself that ,

" its just darkness .
there's light over there ...
Geradine , Geradine ..
there isnt anything to be afraid of ..
there's nothing ..
LOOK !
there's nothing ..
look at the beautiful lights out there .
the black out is gonna be forawhile ..
after that it wld be fine .
everything wld be back to normal .
Geradine , be brave .
you can ..
yes you can ! "

but ..
after telling myself all these ,
the pain came to me more ...
i felt so weak ...
so weak to the fact that ,
i felt as if i am leaving this world soon .

i can't take it anymore ..
i ran out of the house immediately after asking my mom to pass me my phone .
then i realised ,
i didn't have the strength to talk .
i didn't even have the strength to do anything but just sitting at the staircase ..
staring blankly into space and cried out silently .

for 2 days i have been feeling terrible .
this afternoon , when i reached home ..
i even had chest pains ...
feeling so breathless out of the sudden ..
while i was doing my papers in the afternoon ,
the scene came to me all over and over again .
my head hurts ...
it has somehow affected my studies , my concentrations .

i felt so suffocated ...

Property maintenance and Hotel Security ,

it became a gone case for me ...

its also tiring for me to put a false front in front of everyone ..
pretending that i was fine .
telling them that i have recovered..
in order to stop them from worrying ..
but the truth was ..
i was never okay .

for the first time ,
i was being trapped in darkness for such a long time .
can you imagine , how torturing cld it be for me ?

GOD ,
why are you doing this to me ? !!

i really felt too painful to carry on ...
tears been rolling down whenever it ran through my mind.
i have been trying my best to be strong .
exams have started ..

i dun wanna torture myself either .

im really exhausted .
fortunately , i have my frens and dear being there for me .
dun leave me alone .
i dun wanna be left alone anymore .
im afraid ...
im afraid ...

i don't think i will be recovered till my exams are over .

i need some air to breathe ..

sigh ~

SAVE ME !

its too painful for me to carry on ...

" Could you just erase this scene away from my memory ?
I can take this no more . "