`` understanding is what i need from you . why cant u just get it ?

Personality TEST :

The idea of togetherness, love, warmth, tenderness and mutual understanding fascinates you but you seem to be embarrassed by the thought of allowing this to appear openly. It would appear that you employ a cautious exploratory tactic in the pursuit of this objective, making sure that you are neither irrevocably committed nor found out.You are in need of rest, some peace and quiet. You feel the need to be close to that someone special, that someone who can give you that special consideration and unquestioning affection that you seek. If you don't find that 'special someone' and resolve your problems very soon, you are liable to become extremely introverted and cut yourself off from society.Nothing seems to be going right for you and you are thwarted every way you turn. You are not at all happy with the situation but it would appear that there is very little that you can do about it at this time. Sit back and let the situation take its course, because at this time you feel that there is nothing you can do to change whatever needs to be changed.You are pretending that the situation around you doesn't matter, but the effort of trying to conceal your emotions and anxieties is resulting in untold stress. The existing situation is disagreeable. You feel unwanted and lonely and you would really like to associate with someone whose ideals are as high as your own. You want to be above the standard of mediocrity and this need to be needed and that need to need has almost become an obsession. You are trying to magnify the need into a compelling urge. You would really like to tell the world how great you are but no, you are holding back because you feel that your peers may treat you with contempt. This is a great pity because you have in fact a unique quality of character, but the continual restraint that you impose on yourself makes you suppress this need for others and you pretend you don't really care. You treat those who criticise you with contempt. However, to be honest, beneath this assumption of indifference you really long for the approval and esteem of others.It is strange that the anxiety that you are experiencing at this time is of your own making simply because of your desire to be respected by your fellow man and with those whom you work with. You are not satisfied. The normal congenial 'you' is becoming quite introverted. This is becoming increasingly more obvious because you seem to shy away from participating in everyday activities. You are refusing to allow yourself to become involved or to participate with others and it is the reluctance to communicate that is the inherent cause of your problems.


hmms ~
it turned out quite true for me though .


well , something did happen last nite ..
it was surpposed to be a happy event even though i was suffering from chest pain and breathless in the morning when i woke up . mom sent me to polyclinic . immediately, the nurse pushed me to the emergency side on the wheelchair . what they gave me was a plastic bag so that i cld breathe properly . did a heartbeat , blood pressure test and xray . everything seemed alright . doc said i was suffering from hyper ventilation . it may also be due to stress or something that occurs me which got me agitated thats why im like this .

went home to have a good rest . took a nap till 5 pm and realised dear was outside the gate waiting for me becos he was worried . so i was with him at my house downstairs . not long , his phobia occured to him . i cld do nothing but to stay by his side and console him . though i was feeling weak , but i told myself that i have to stay strong becos right now , he needs me . at around 8 plus , darling and jj came . so we joined them at playground .

as i dun wan to leave dear alone . i asked the both of us to accompany him first so that he wld not feel so lonely while i went up to have my dinner . half hr later , i went down to join them again . i thought that the four of us cld sit around and have a good chat .

however , in the end , it ended up darling and JJ . me and dear . we got separated . but i didnt mind at all becos mayb , darling and jj wanted to have their own time together or mayb the both of them wants to leave the both of us alone ?
rahhhs !

i donno . dear was feeling down again . so i stayed by his side and consoled him . suddenly , i heard my dad voice . he came down . he saw . JJ and jia en , me and dear . dear asked me , how ? i told him to calm down and just relax . but the fact was , i was already trembling . i kept myself cool and went home .

my dad was fuming becos he saw us hugging and we kissed . i understand , as a daughter of his . he is protective . doing all those in public is like equals to demanding sex from the girl . my heart just breaks when i heard this . mayb to him , i am already a " suei bian " girl . just anyhow let man and take advantage of me . but its not ! do you know how heartbreaking can i actually felt when he said that ?

i was feeling so suffocated .
i was feeling breathless and my poor mom gotta calm me down . i felt so weak . so weak to the fact that i almost felt like dying .

i dunno . i felt so confused . i didnt slept for the whole nite . i teared throughout day and nite . i felt too painful . i felt too hurt . understanding was what i need from him . i know my limits . i know what im doing . i just nd some air to breathe from now . i felt too suffocating for me to go on .

i dun hate him . i dun blame him . as a daughter of his . i understand how he feels . he is still my dad afterall and i love him . i admit i was in the wrong too . honestly speaking , im really scared of my dad becos in the past , what i received from him was scoldings and beatings . i didnt even dare to communicate with him .

the more you control ,
the more i wanna escape .
the fiercer you are ,
the more i wanna hide things from you .

sigh ~
i really felt terrible .
my chest still hurts ...

god ,
please give me the strength to carry on !

" Don't ever leave me alone ,

I need you . "