LOL .
I know this sounds rather stupid but i can't be bothered . It's the actual fact anyway that, i had been occuring nightmares for exactly a week everynite . Yesterday was really a torture to be . The worst day among the week . A terrible nightmare where you don't even want to know .
Finally I had cried my whole heart out . I almost fainted while going home . Having sudden cold sweat , giddiness and headaches . This was how weak I was at that time . It has reached to the point of exhaustion where I could no longer continue anymore .
I can hardly bring my smile todae . A quiet me . Flashbacks have been occuring to me everywhere I go . I saw things which I do not even want to see . I begged god . I begged the things that disturbed me . I want this to stop . I really want this to stop . Just how much more do you want to torture me ? I almost gave up my entire self last night . Fortunately , I was thankful that something just kept me on . (:
Went to vivo after school with dear . He was down and I was down too . He is exhausted and I am as well . Throughout the entire outing , both of us were in silence . We didnt speak much . Mainly because both of us nd some quiet time for our own as we were in the midst of exhaustion . Therefore, it ended up hurting each other which I hated most .
During the quiet moments , it had somehow sorted out my feelings .
Now I had finally understood why did my master mentioned to me that I had a major challenge to go through.
So this was what I was actually fighting with .
Right now , I'm still struggling .
Will I be able to win the battle ?
These few days ,
I had been hearing negative words from some people which actually hurt my heart .
But those words had also woke me up .
Thank you .
From this ,
It had made me realised how useless girlfriend and friend I was .
Tiring and hurting my boyfriend further .
Making the situation worse when I already know that he was mentally down .
Worrying everyone . Lowering down the atmosphere .
I sincerely apologsie for everything that I had caused .
I, myself didnt want this to happen .
You asked me to be strong .
You asked me to look on the bright side of life .
All these I did . I really did .
Its just that whenever I am on the midst of recovering ,
Shit just happens ..
And the cycle repeats all over again .
There's one thing I wan to remind my classmates ...
" If the trainer were to off the lights . Just let it be . I dont want to add any burdens to anyone anymore . It's enough . I guess you guys are tired of me as well . I don't wan to pull everyone down because of me . It's simply too selfish . If its dark , just let it be . Leave me alone and I'll be fine . Do not come and comfort me nor hug me . It will made me worse . If I can't take it , I will just leave the classroom . And thats the only time when I need the comfort . Give me sometime to overcome it because the hurt and the pain is always there . It's a scar left behind .
It's just like you got burnt in the fire . The burnt marks are always there . It's a hurtful and painful incidents where you will never forget . All these takes time to heal before you are back to your normal self again especially your wound . So therefore , its just like my phobia that i'm having .
Hope you guys understand . Thank you !
Also , thanks for the encouragment which some of you guys have given me . It definately help . I will be strong and fight this hard . (: i promise that . "
Alrights , i felt so much better after typing all these . venting out my feelings .
LOLS .
though i'm still feeling rather weak , tomorrow im just gonna treat it as a brand new day for me . It's a new month afterall right ? So , let's just say a new start of a new month .
hahs .
JIA YOU GERADINE ! (:
i know i can & i will -
Will it be a better upcoming year ?
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