dreaming of dar breaking up wid me . i cant remember how the scene actually was . it seems so real . i was in daze when i woke up . den i suddenly broke in tears . i felt insecure . i was afraid .. realli afraid. i cant help it but to cry silently in my room . now, my eyes are puffy like some kind of fishes . lolls ! i noe u ppl may think. its just a dream only and not to think so much . this feeling seems so different . its a different feeling from other nitemares i used to haf . it mayb a sign ? i didnt noe i was dreaming in the first place till i was screaming out loud and crying so badly in my dream. my eyes open wide big after dat . this scene was horrible .
from wad i remember, the dream was actually like dis..
he read my blog abt this incident due to my temple trip & blames me for not telling him the truth . keeping things from him .. telling me that i'm always keeping things to myself and not being trueful to him. then wads the point of being together ? let's break up . dats wad he told me in msn .
me : wad haf i done ? wad haf i actually done to the fact dat u ve to break up wid me. pls ! dun do dis to me . pls tell me dat u are joking. im sorry for wad i haf done. and i am willing to change .
him : its too late.
den we chatted on the phone. both of us broke down in tears . i went mute when i talked to him . i went insane . i wanted to shout out loud in my room. i wanna tell him everything . but i just couldnt talk . there wasnt any sound coming out from my mouth . when we hang up , i wanted to call jia en bud i just couldnt find her contact. wad i found was her hse number . it was late already . i dun wanna disturb her family members. its just so inconsiderate of me. i try all ways to find her hp number . but i just could not . my mom then came to my room and asked me wad haf happened . i said there's nth wrong .. i wasnt myself when i told her abt it . luckily she didnt noe. i went crazy in front of her and told her to get out of the room as there's realli nth wrong wid me . at that moment of time.. i was crying so badly . real badly . screaming out loud . dying to find jia en's number for help... bud it wasnt successful . the time was12am plus .. i was on the verge to breaking down . i felt so weak . i remembered myself kneeling down on the floor ..
my eyes was opened wide after that . i checked my phone seeing if there's any break up stuffs. see if there's anycall from dar . there wasnt .. then i realised it was just a dream . i was feeling so scared .. i was realli afraid . then , i broke down in tears for the whole nite . crying silently . i dun wanna woke anyone up . i felt hurtful .. real hurtful .
the reason why i felt it was so real is becos i asked him to read my blog . and thats the part i was chatting wid him on msn . however he told me that he was too tired to read and will read it other times . so i said its okay . he went offline .this part was exactly wad happen in the dream. its like a replay. not long, he came online and told me all those words on msn. that's the start of the horror..
come to think of it .. b4 dreaming dis horrible scene, i did told him dat i am attending the temple trip & the reason for not telling me abt the situation is becos he's tired from his work . he's sleepy already . tml he still haf to work from morning till nite. this was not impt anw . i cld tell him other times . i am being truthful to him already . did i do anything wrong ? whr does my fault actually lies onto ? i been waking up after 3 hrs later den to 1 hr. everytime i woke up , tears just keep flowing down my eyes . i didnt ve a gd slp. only music was there to keep my company and stopped me from thinking temporary to calm me down . i msged to jia en and dar abt this situation . i just nd some company . however , there wasnt any reply at that time. cos its late . i understand for that . i am used to cry alone anw . i am feeling so terrible .. suffering alone ... why am i hafing this feeling again ? why am i hafing nitemare ? didnt i prayed in temple to bless me wid gd slp and not creating anymore nitemares to me again ? why issit happeing ?!! why ?!! why? ! now i haf 3 problems occuring to me ... its realli hard for me to forget this situation . this is the first time i ever cried so much for a guy . even when i am bathing , tears just flow down repeatedly . i guess this realli shows how impt he is to me .
thanks jia en,
for sending me msges late morning . sry for not calling u back cos i was blogging & i do not wanna cry anymore.my eyes are real pain now . i dun wanna tear further . i just wanna let it out here once and for all & i'll stop . now dat u noe wad happen to me. i hope u understand how i feel . its not just ordinary hurt. but it is really hurt to the extend dat my heart is aching so badly . and i noe this is just a dream .however it simply seems so real and scary dat its realli hard for me to forget this situation . i am so afraid to face this . just gib me some tyme to heal barhs .
i was hoping for yea reply when i msg to u ..
i was waiting for the whole morning till now ..
just a msg from u to make me feel better ..
bud ,
there wasn't any .
normally , u wld msg me when u woke up or smth to ask me if i'm alright .
why isnt there any now ?
is it so hard to just send me just a simple promise for me ?
i just nd some confirmation from u .
i wanna feel secure again ..
pls dun leave me no matter wad & stay by myside always.
pls dun mention the word break up
cos it realli hurts me deep inside my heart .
i need u ..
i love you ..
I WILL REMAIN STRONG & HANG ON ...
gonna study lit for now .. keeping myself busy. i'm not gonna think of this horrible scene anymore. my parents and bro went out to suntec to see the motor show as well as new hp as my mom's hp is spoiling soon anytime. and now, i am left alone again being some kind of bkworm at home. hahs ! at least i am able to vent out everything freely now & not silently . lolls .
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