930am, i woke up. receiving a sms from sandy . saying that the knowing of posting can be checked thru phone . when i called, the moment i heard the word " unsucessful " , i broke into tears . this means , im landing up to NO WHERE .
in the beginning, i was filled wid confidence when i picked up the phone . filling myself wid excitment . i felt a definate that i wld be ending up into one of the courses.. plus, everyone has been pinning high hopes on me .
however for now , i felt a total lost in me .
my dreams have been shattered in pieces !
thanks for all the encourangement that u ppl have been sending me . i realli appreciate that .
i'm sorry that i let all of you down .
most imptly ,
I LET MYSELF DOWN as well .
I'M ASHAMED OF MYSELF .
cheryl called me . i was holding my tears so much . unfortunately, i broke down eventually . when she asked me & i was crying out loud . i cld not control & i guessed , i scare the hell outta her . we were basically comforting each other on the phone .
i was hoping so much that dear wld be able to ask me out to comfort me . i even made a hint on him whether he wld be able to accompany me . unfortunately he cld not again. last min decision, he had something on . therefore , meeting wid him was cancelled again ! this is not the first time bud several times have been happening like this . i was fed-up . of all times ... when i'm down .. this thing happens !
in the end, i went out wid jia en instead . i was realli dying for someone to accompany me . i just nd someone. i dun wan to be left alone at home cos it made me feel worse ! went to haf a bathe , changed into my black shirt and shorts . oh ~ i wear black whenever i'm down .. [get the hint ? ] .. wore my shades as my eyes was real swollen.. then, met her at 1230pm . this is the first time ever, i cried in public .
yea ..
i teared ..
i teared in the bus stop .
i teared throughout the journey .
i teared at clark quey .
this is also the first time ..jia en saw me cried like this . she saw the weak side of me already .
wid her being me by myside. it's enough. i'm contented. at least , i'm able to get someone who cld realli be by my side whenever i am down.
she was actually consoling me at the point of time . though i wasnt facing her bud im actually listening to her wad she said . i do agree . its not the end of my route as yet. there is still other alternative way . i do felt slightly better after that and i told myself , my crying has definately got to stop as my eyes were in real pain . i was feeling realli terrible. i just felt so much like fainting .
i'm realli exhausted and tired of all this.
i jus wan to end this soon . .
again, i was hoping so much that he would be able to find me there. i told myself its impossible for that to happen . however , i do not wanna loose a single hope. hahs ! it was just part of my wishful thinking . every part we went .. i was hoping so much he would appear. unfortunately , he wasnt at sight .
whr is he when i needed him most again ?
whr are the promises that he has made to me ?
spending more time wid me after he quit he last job ?
i dun think soo ..
i felt the promises he made have been broken ..
i felt its drifting very far apart .
he didnt fulfilled them .
all he did was jus saying ..
HE BROKE IT !
has he spare a thought for me ?
is he willing to gib up doing his work for just once ..
just the sake for me ?
i just hope that this wld be the last time for this to be happening between me and him again . i do not wanna any disappointments in future anymore . i am afraid .. i can no longer take it anymore. i just wan him to mean wad he says and do it . don't just do the talking and ended up giving me empty promises instead.
i'm lost !!
i've lost my path ..
i've lost my direction ..
whr's my route ?
i ve to re-plan again ..
now, dad just gave me the form.
it says :
"we regret to inform you that you are unsuccessful in your application. However, if you wish to apply to a particular course, you may approach the instituition concerned directly. the institution concered will inform you of the outcome of your application "
people have been asking me to go for appealing . wid my points like this ? its a definate low chnace for me ! whr cld i land up to wid this kind of fcuking results ? its just so shit !
sorry if i sound vulgar todae . *
forgive me .
i broke down in tears in front of my dad ..
i broke down in tears in front of everybody ..
i felt so weak in me..
life is being so unfair .
i also felt an unfair-ness in myself ..
studying so hard like some kind of mad woman ..
burning mid-nite oils when 'o's are approaching ..
and yet ..
i got this kind of reply back !
ending up in NO WHERE .
the satisfaction in me ,
has become unsatisfied !
wads my alternative way in life for now ?
that is to re-adjust it again .
the only route that im able to go ..
is to get into a private sch .
I AM EXHAUSTED IN EVERYTHING .
people have been asking me to "kan kai " ..
i'm sorry i cant !
it isnt as easy as you thought it shld be .
becos i ve been pinning so high hope in this and now, it has been shattered.
it takes me time to heal myself back .
i hope you wld understand how im feeling .
THANKS !
no matter wad ,
life still goes on ..
i'll still lead my life as the way it shld be ..
i'm not gonna gib up any hope in my studies !
to my lovely friends :
hey gals ! dun feel disappointed in urself anymore . at least, u gals are much better than me . able to end up in one of the polys better than no whr right ? dun gib up hope in urself . give it a try by doing appealing .. just like wad gals have said to me . i'm sorry that i am unable to be by urside for now when u gals are feeling down .
no matter wad , if you got ur choice in poly , just give it a try . who knows ? u may like it . agree wid me ? there is also another alternative by entering into that course first .. if you have done well in ur poly for the first yr , mayb you could try to appeal for another course the second yr . you have many many other chances in poly . just get into it and dun give up hope. unlike mine. a useless me can land up in no whr .
wish u all the best gals !
I LOVE YOU ALL .
" tears have been dripping down my eyes continously ..
how cld i stop it ?
well,
time will tell .. "
. "
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