` 2 hurts at one go . how am i surppose to take this ?

in the middle of the last nite .. i just came to find out . the passerby in my tagboard happens to be someone in my family . how did i found out ? becos i was using my brother's laptop and turn out that passerby nickname to be there on my blog's tagboard .

why ?
why must you let me find out ?

its really a great shock and disappointment to me ! now i actually realise how my family actually knows me . now i finally realise though i have a loving family and i love them as much as they do but they do not understand my inner feelings at all .

all along i have been trying my best to be a good daughter . to be someone good in the family . trying my best to change myself for the better . trying my best to socialise and be with them . but never did i expect my family is treating me this way .

yes !
i may not show out . but that doesnt mean i do not care . you guys know i do not even know how to express myself out ! though my page mayb thankful to all my frens , but u do not know much love i care for my mom more than my frens ! its simply countless .

2 hurts at one go .. tell me how am i surppose to take it ? one is my dad and another is my sibling . i love them so much and this is what i get in return .

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR RETURNING ME SUCH A WONDERFUL PRESENT !

i am really tired ...
i really felt like fainting ...
i really dunno how to go on anymore ...

days leads by .. i will still live my life with it . whether its wonderful or not . i seem not to have any feelings anymore . since they do not understand me then let it be . but there's one thing for sure , i will still love them as ever . i always treated them as my no.1 and im also sure one day they will understand me more as well . but just that , it takes time .

i had nightmare last nite as well . slept around 4 plus . things seem to be so complicating and it happens to turn out ..that .. why am i dreaming of that jerk i had in my life once again ? why did i dreamt of him again ? im not thinking of him but why is he appearing in my life ? the hurt he gave me will never be forgotten .

one sentence ,
I HATE HIM !

but come to think of it ? why am i bothered by it so much . what for should i care ?
hahas !
mayb im just feeling too hurt .

i feel pains all over me .....
emotionally , physically and mentally .

you know i just thought of something .. as mom's birthday is coming . i wanna set my aim that im gonna stand up once again without clutches. walking normally as other people do on the 24th OCT . and i guess , that would definately make my mom smile . i just wanna see her smile once again . i know she is tired. so i would make the best out of it ! i will set this aim and i will try my best to achieve it . for my mom , im willingly to do anything to make her smile.

=) .

I LOVE YOU MUMMY !

GERADINE ,
YOU CAN DO IT !

looks like , there's only one person who understands me in my family and thats my mom . sad to hear isnt it ?
hahas !
then let it be ...

was at the balcony last nite to relax myself before i go to sleep . tears just went down repeatedly and i cried my whole heart out . this time is really the time i get real hurt deep inside my heart . when i woke up in the morning , i saw my dad . i dunno . i just dun wanna face him . i cant bring myself to talk to him . and when i saw my bro and sis-in-law coming back from sentosa . tears just rolls again .

im gonna hide myself in the room .. i will not be going out . i cant bring myself to face them . all becos im deeply hurt .

it takes time to recover myself from hurt once again . not now but mayb a few days later . don't worry , i will be fine . nothing will put me down and i'll still stand strong .

" You will never know how much it pains me ,

Once i found out the truth . "