shld i feel hurt ? pain ? hatred ? exhausted ?
i just felt so emotionless .
it wasnt a good day for me todae at all . first during f and B operations , my attack came back becos of training . i guessed i over-exert myself . i teared becos i felt horrible . then , when i was at my block downstairs , the lift was under maintenance . so i cant use it at all .
i was feeling damn pissed off becos i was actually asking my mom for some decision whether i shld climb up or not . in the end , what i get the answer was climbing up . to the tone she said to me , i just feel very unconcern . its like she cant be bothered with it becos she was playing with my cousin's baby . i know she cares but i just feel very bothered with the tone that she had given me . before that , i met that toopid " tiko " man in the coffee shop talking to me again but i just ignore . there's no point talking to him either . its just a waste of time . i just felt so much like digging his eyes out and gave him a big tight slap .
rahhhhhs !
ok back to topic ... i climbed up the stairs eventually . honestly speaking , i was actually scolding vulgarities on my way up . once in a lifetime i said it . i felt as if i was forced to . to be frank , i really hate saying it . but becos , i was feeling too piss off to the fact that i just said it . luckily i was just staying on the 11th floor . can u imagine , those old folks who happened to realise the lift was broke down and they stayed on the 24th storey ? i really pity them .
not long , my dad came back . so i asked him if he climbed the stairs or took the lift up . guess what he said ? he said he took the lift . i was like WTH !
grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrs .
nvm !
had dinner with jaslin at bedok and we went east coast . got sort of a bbq event . took a cab down but somehow we had some miscommunication with my classmates . i got the wrong number pit . in the end , jaslin and i gotta walked so far . when i found them becos they came finding us , i got a sudden leg cramp in the middle of the bike track . and i just fell there . i was in pain . i cant walk . jaslin gotta piggy back me .
at that point of time , i was feeling rather down already . i was thinking why do all bad things come to me todae ? what haf i done todae that god is actually doing this to me . i dun blame god . i just felt very terrible . i dunno . i dunno what am i thinking either . so i borrowed nic's bike and rode far away . during the journey , i was actually thinking alot and the stupidest thing was , i had no idea what was i thinking at all . i felt like crying but i cant cry . my heart was feeling so heavy . then i rode till around changi area , i u-turned back and looked out for dear becos he was finding me .
A BIG APOLOGY FOR THOSE WHO LOOKED FOR ME .
i wanted to be alone at the moment of time to sort out my feelings . just as i was riding back , i saw dear . and we walked together . it was quiet . in fact , both of us were . i just dun felt like talking . i just wanna walk and look around . i was walking behind me becos i dun wan him to see me . i was actually tearing abit .
when we reached back to the pit , he brought me to a quiet side and i just broke down in tears . i was simply too exhausted with myself . i tried to be strong every now and then . i tried to be happy . whenever my chest hurts , i just told myself to stay on .
people , i just wanna say .. i m just exhausted with the way im . im just totally not myself and i hate it ! where's the geradine it used to be ? i wanna be a happy and healthy girl again . but why am i receiving all these stuffs ?
i wanted to scream . i wanted to cry out loud but i told myself not to . i dun wan them to see me how scary i was . i noe they will say , just let it out . but you dunno how i actually felt . i wanted to but something seem to stop me from doing so .
went home at around 1230 . jaslin accompanied home . once i stepped into my room , i heard my mom talking to aunt saying abt my health . i felt alright with it in the beginning. then , i started hearing things i shld not have heard . i felt so hurt after hearing so . she told my aunt it was hard taking care of me . she told my aunt she's tired of doing so as well . i gave her so many problems . i broke down in tears again in my room .
i asked myself ,
" why am i so weak geradine ? why am i giving problems to so many ppl ? why am i leading these kind of life ? "
im tired ..
im really tired .
i felt like giving up ...
arhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhs !
i wanna go crazy !
my heart is feeling so heavy . i dunno how long can i hold on anymore . i am starting to lose my confidence . but just one positive word , i still will not give up .
im sorry for spoiling the mood during the event . it was surppose to be an enjoyable one but becos of me .. frens around me were worried abt me too.
not to worry , i'll be fine .
=) .
to nek nek :
im sorry for making you feel this way . after reading my entry i guess you will realise how deeply hurt i actually felt . dun blame yourself for not doing anything for me becos u had done alot already . thanks for piggy-backing me .
please forgive me for what i have done . i didnt mean to do it . i really dun wan to leave you alone but becos i was feeling terrible enough . im lost and i simply do not noe what to do . nek nek , i know u are feeling very pissed off at east coast due to some reasons . i dunno what was it . i didnt ask but to keep quiet and i tried to cheer you up . i hope it does make you feel better .
also , sorry for spoiling the mood as well . it was surppose to be a happy event and yet i did it like this .
thousand of apologies to you . but thanks for much for everything . your red bean soup as well .
((:
dun worry i'll be fine soon . i just nd to recover the hurt that im having .
love you nek nek !
muacks !
to dear :
dear , im sorry for making you walking so much . sorry for worrying so much for me but thanks for being there for me .
thanks for not leaving me alone .
thanks for hugging me .
in fact , thanks for everything you had done for me . actually , there are some things i wanna tell you while we were walking back but i chose not to becos once i spit them out , i will just cry which i didnt wan to . i was controlling my tears really badly .
dear , i hope you understand how i felt and thanks for being understanding as well . sorry for spoiling the whole entire mood . they were surpposed to celebrate all oct bdays which includes you . however , becos of me , u cld not even enjoy . instead , you stayed by myside .
i promise you i will never leave you alone again just like that . neither wld i disappear till so far . i will just stay by yourside and be with you .
im sorry for causing all these .
i love you forever .
muacks dear .
THOUSANDS OF APOLOGIES FOR CAUSING ALL THESE CLASSMATES !
=( .
i didnt mean to but i hope you guys still enjoy yourselves without me around .
i saw that anw . i smiled . however , i did not interrupt and just left u guys alone.
" Could you tell me ,
What kind of life am i exactly living now ? "
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