`` what do you expect me to do ?

didnt went for vocal class todae . i was feeling really unwell . really giddy . my head hurts . i cant even walk straight . i was feeling real terrible . i cried myself to slp last nite again . i felt really lost , confused , hurt and pain .

i took another 1 hr nap for myself . i regretted doing so . nightmare occured to me . i dreamt of those " things " again . i felt so " dirty " and afraid . dragged myself to work as i dont wanna stay at home . also , i wasnt feeling that giddy anymore . so why not just keep myself busy and earn some income at the same too right ? and you know what ? it wasnt my day afterall .

i was caught in a traffic jam . ended up raining heavily . lift lobby lights just suddenly went off and one of the lift was spoilt . there's only one lift left and i had to wait very long for it . plus , there were alot of people as well . i ended up late and i lost my bonus already . T_T . i almost broke down . i felt so terrible when i had reached my workplace but i held on my tears .

honestly speaking for now , only work can replace all my thoughts . it cld only keep my mind off from all my troubles and pains . but once my work time is over, its back to normal again . i cried while i was on my way home . i felt so down once more .

when i reach home all i know was just to be with him . to keep him company online because he was feeling very down and i told myself , no matter how haggard im , im just gonna stay strong and be with him . unfortunately , it turned out to be worse . i was utterly hurt . but thanks to darling and nek nek for being my listening ear . alright , just let me correct my sentence from my previous entry . not none but only one or two understands me afterall . (:

my head hurts terribly for now .
working morning shift tml .

I have done my best in everything in order to be with you .
I have never wanted to leave you at all .
However , sometimes , there's always a time we would be away .
And this is the time where you have to learn to be independent .

To learn to stand up and fight against your own problems .

I know its hard to avoid negative thoughts .
But you just got to be strong in everything you do .

Don't think about now but think abt the future .
How are you going to handle it the next time if you can't even handle this ?

Do have confidence in yourself .
You truely know how much our love is for each other .

I can promise you this that no matter how far apart we are ,

You'll never lose me .

Please do not say such hurting words anymore .
It really hurts deep inside my heart .

Let's just go through this together ,
And I hope this will never happen again .

This will be the first and last time .

I LOVE YOU .